My Pregnancy Story

We didn't begin trying to conceive until the fall of 1999, as we wanted to make sure I could stay home with the baby. We also knew it might take awhile for us to get pregnant because I never had regular cycles. I would go a year or more without having one. I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in the fall of 1995. Then, in the fall of 1996, after a routine Pap test, it was determined that I had cervical carcinoma in situ. After a biopsy, it was increased to cervical cancer, class 5 stage IB. A few days later, I had surgery to remove it. We were so thankful at the time that it was all removed and that the cancer had not spread.

When we decided to try to conceive, we began seeing my OB/GYN. He put me on Provera to induce a cycle, then on 50 mg of Clomid. After that first cycle, my progesterone was .04, a very low number to say the least! We decided to move on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). My first appointment with him was in May of 2000. We continued on Clomid until we got to 250 mg a day. It was impairing my vision and it wasn’t making me ovulate. It just didn't work for me.

Our RE wanted us to try the injections to get pregnant. He said that it usually works very well for someone with PCOS. I began the shots (Gonal F and Pregnyl) and was inseminated on January 19, 2001. I took a home pregnancy test on January 30, 2001 (just 11 days after the insemination) and it was positive! We were ecstatic!! We had started to believe that I would never get pregnant, so this was overwhelming for us. I had blood work done that day (HCG 154), four days before I should have had a missed period, and then again on February 1, 2001 (HCG 459). My numbers looked high then, but our RE wouldn't speculate about multiples just yet.

We went in for our first ultrasound on February 21, 2001, when I was approximately 4 weeks pregnant. I remember the technician being very quiet. I asked her if she saw two. She said that she saw four sacs and that she needed more time to scan before talking to us. Eric looked like he was going to throw up. I started to cry. The technician showed us all four of our babies and their placement within my uterus. She named them A, B, C and D. A was very low, B was mid level on the right side of my uterus, C was high and D was in the middle of my uterus on the left side.

During our pre-cycle injection class, our RE discussed with us the possibility of multiples. He said that because of the past surgeries on my cervix, I would not be able to carry supertwins and that Eric and I needed to discuss the possibility of Selective Reduction prior to starting the injection cycle. This was immediately brought up after the ultrasound was completed. You could see it on his face how grave the situation was. He said that we must consider Multifetal Selective Reduction, in order to preserve part of the pregnancy.

I remember feeling outside of my body that night. I couldn't even look Eric in the eye. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to die. Why me? Why did this have to happen to us? We are good people. We are spiritual, we love each other, we are married, we have a nice home, can financially afford a family, and we pay our taxes. We were perplexed about how this had happened and wanted to know why us.

I stayed home for the next few days. I couldn't bear to tell anyone except a couple of close friends and family members. I even lied to a few people by telling them that we were pregnant with twins. We ended up telling everyone about what happened, but not until later, when we could digest it ourselves.

My first appointment with our Perinatologist was on March 6, 2001. He concurred with our RE in that having the reduction was the only way to continue with the pregnancy. Therefore, we scheduled the reduction for March 29, 2001 with a Doctor in Philadelphia. That was the closest Doctor that could perform the surgery (we live in Missouri). We had to actually get on a plane and travel to a different city/state to have this done. It was so hard to make myself get on that plane. I was so sick the entire flight. In addition, people kept asking me how far along I was because I was so huge. I was only 14 weeks, but because there were four babies in there, I looked like I was 40 weeks.

We arrived at the office for the reduction and were made to wait for 45 minutes until the Doctor was out of his meeting. Can you believe that? We are there to have two of our babies reduced and he's late?!? We were out of our minds. I kept thinking that I could just run away. Leave the office and Eric and never look back. I was so sick to my stomach. I wanted all four of my babies. I didn't want to kill them. I kept wishing that I could take two out and save them for later. I wished that all of this was a sick joke and that I could even go back to just trying to conceive again. I just didn't want to kill my babies.

Finally, the Doctor arrived and we began the procedure. All involved were cold to say the least. I really didn't feel much compassion from the Doctor or any of the nurses. Maybe they have to act that way to save a little of themselves because of the work they do. I didn't care much about that anyway as I had my husband there stroking my hair and telling me how much he loved me. That is the only thing that kept me sane those minutes during the reduction.

They scanned my uterus for the placement and to see if all of the babies were still ok. They decided to take Baby B and Baby D because A and C were the farthest from each other. I had always known in my heart that A and D were boys, and B and C were girls. I was right about A and C, so I'm sure I was right about B and D. I also had a feeling they were going to take Baby D. For some strange reason, I had an immediate connection with Baby D because he was so alone on the left side. I loved him from the moment I saw him on the ultrasound screen. I loved all of them, but I did have a special place for him in my heart. It was extremely hard to let him/both of them go.

The needle was huge but the mental pain is much more intense than the physical pain could ever be. It looked like an amniocentesis needle. They placed it in the baby's heart and injected it with potassium chloride. It just made the baby's heart stop. I can say this now, but I don’t know if anyone will believe me, but I swear, I could tell the moment they died and left my body. I just felt it somehow. I cried so hard. It was almost guttural. I had never felt so sad in my whole life. After it was over, I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. We had to pay though (out of pocket) and that took awhile. We went back to the hotel and I slept most of the afternoon. We flew home the next day.

I never bled or had contractions after the reduction, but I did have to go for an ultrasound one week after the procedure to make sure the remaining babies were ok. The Radiologist came in with the Technician and she said she didn't see the heartbeats of two of the four babies. I had to explain to her that we'd had a reduction and that the information should be in our chart. This wasn't an isolated occurrence though. I felt as though I had to repeatedly tell the staff that I'd had a reduction. I felt it was very insensitive

We finally felt as though things were going smoothly with the pregnancy, and that we were out of the woods. We were gravely wrong.